An essay I found on a message board... |
 |
I read "how to" messages on forums, and in communities all the time.
"Is there an easier way to purge?" "Do you have tips on how to purge easier?"... blah blah blah etc etc etc.
The answer is NO... NO there isn't....
Bulimia isn't meant to be a walk in the park. It's not supposed to be an accepted form of weight loss. It's intent isn't to provide a healthy lifestyle - but you still ask. You still insist on "learning" you still WANT an eating disorder when you're blessed with ignorance....
"But I'm already Bulimic, I've been exercising for years, I've been blah blah blah..."
Have you? I don't believe you.
If you have, then continue to do what you're doing, it's already bad enough, you don't need us to stick our fingers down your throat.
But you keep asking....
So I'll tell you...
First, you have to become a pig.
A greedy, worthless, selfish pig.
A pig who eats everything in sight, and comes back for more. Who steals food from their family and friends. Who can't say no to that chocolate bar which is sitting on their roommate's desk. Who goes to the store and buys a gallon of ice cream, a half gallon of chocolate milk, and a box of oreo's and eats them all in one sitting with food all over their face because they couldn't wait to get a sthingy and have been eating the ice cream with their fingers and drinking the milk out of the bottle. You have to like the chocolate milk all over your shirt. You have to not give a nuts about eating right out of the carton - the ice cream is cold? Tough nuts.. you've got to get it down anyway.
You have to stop thinking when you eat. The food takes over... some of us think this is a good thing... but we are greedy pig's remember?
Second, you hate yourself.
You hate yourself for what you have just done. You hate yourself for what you did yesterday, and know you're going to do tomorrow. You have to hate yourself because food has control over you, and you have to fight to regain control.
Then you move to step three. You have to purge.
You have to purge to get rid of the food. You need to regain control. You need to rid yourself of the poison. You have to get everything out of you because if you don't then the food got the better of you. God forbid you have issues with being fat... don't worry, most of us do...
Maybe you decide to take laxatives.... you start off small, two or three... then you double the dose, and triple it. Next thing you know you're out of control, and you are taking 80 a day. Then you wake up in the middle of the night and realize you didn't make it to the bathroom, and that there is nuts all over you and your bed. You are an adult, and you didn't make the toilet. You have to hate yourself some more while you're trying to clean up, hiding from those around you because you don't want them to know what happened. You pretend you started your period or something, i guess if you're male you have to be more creative than that.
I hate to be crude.. but I'm being real... I'd be lying if I candy coated anything...
Maybe you decide to exercise... if you do this you're lucky, but you're on a fast road to Anorexia. You exercise all the time, night and day, you go to the gym for four hours every day... eventually you don't leave. You start to watch yourself loose weight, and you get carried away. You eat a candy bar and know how far you have to run to get rid of the same amount of calories. You look at your body and don't think you're getting anywhere. You keep getting fatter and fatter every day. You weigh yourself constantly to find out whether or not you've lost a pound. You become consumed with your weight, you start to teeter between Ana and Mia... make sure you don't fall off.
Perhaps you decide you want to puke. This is usually the Bulimic favorite... when all else fails there's always the finger.
You go into the toilet and fight yourself... Sometimes you're almost on the verge of tears because you're fighting that day and you don't want to puke. At other times you don't even care. When it gets really bad you find that you just start puking to deal with problems... you have to puke to get everything out... rid yourself of the poison - the poison of everyday living... what your mom did, or your dad said, or your grades, or your boss... or... or...
Puking becomes the answer to a bad hair day. You eat because everything sucks, and then you puke to get rid of the food. When your boyfriend rapes you, however, you just make yourself puke - these times you sometimes can't even eat... get the poison out... get it out....
You sit on the toilet with a bucket in your lap shoving your fingers down your throat, and getting puke in your hair. It's all over your face, and you're eating ice cream with the same fingers you're puking with (to make room.) You don't stop to wash your fingers, you don't even care, you put them back in your mouth with pieces of vomit and food all over them. You puke and puke and puke and puke until you're puking bile. You can't stop because you get this underlying fear that you didn't get everything out - you start to worry that you left something in. You keep puking even though the bucket is full, and you can see that everything's out. Oh yeah.. you also analyze the puke.. you have to make sure it's all in there.
You're not done though... the craving still hasn't gone. The need to go from drive through, to drive through, to supermarket, to convenience stores, to restaurants.. to the bank ... to the bank... you spend everything you have on food because you can't say no to it... and laxatives... and diet pills.. water pills... junk food... lots of crap to eat...
You're embarrassed... you know that your friends, or your family will know if you leave at 4am and go to the store. You've already been to that supermarket twice today and you bought a basket full of crap each time. You see the situation as choice less - the car is in the shop. So you get the food you threw away earlier from the garbage can. You don't have anything to eat, and you NEED to eat.. so you eat the food you put in the trash... you figured if you threw it away then you wouldn't eat it... but you're still hungry...
no matter how much you eat you're still hungry....
Lastly, you have to deal with the side effects. If walking around smelling like puke and eating like a pig isn't enough. If the fact the guy at the drive through looks at you funny when you order three meals isn't enough. If the fact you can't maintain relationships, or have friends, or exist like everyone else does - ISNT enough then you're going to love the side effects.
You've always loved your hair. It's always been one of your best features... it's long, and thick, and healthy. Everyone comments on it when they see it. "I wish I had hair like yours, they say."
But now it's falling out. You take a shower and gobs of it come out with your fingers. You see it all over the wall, and when you comb it tons of it comes out. You keep binging and purging though...
Then your body starts acting strange, your heart is beating funny, and your stomach is bloated - you faint when you're standing in line too long. You can't take a nuts when you're not eating laxatives, and you think you saw blood last time you barfed.
You have dry skin, and blotches on your face, your cheeks are puffy, and your throat is sore.
You have cuts on your fingers, and your knuckles are raw. You look terrible, but by this time there's no way out. There isn't any way out, except death. You're killing yourself for the sake of a burger, but you don't care. The burger is more important than anything, and puking is just part of eating a burger.
Perhaps you quit every time. I do that, I quit all the time. I had my face in the toilet earlier, but I'm quitting again. Quitting so fast that the fries I threw away are calling to me... I wish they'd just shut up.
Let it happen.
Go, go eat your heart out. Perhaps we can join each other in the bathroom and become pig's together. We can all get together, and have a giant puke fest - won't that be fun!.
I've provided all the information you could possibly need, and now you know exactly what to do to be bulimic. You know exactly how to feel, how to think, and everything that is expected of you.
You're already bulimic aren't you? I mean, this shouldn't be hard... all you wanted were some tips..... I hope I'm giving you the information you need  |
|
|
|
